Yikes.

I have been forced to commemorate my thirtieth birthday by making a very adult decision (though calling my parents several times in tears means I haven't yet learned to make adult decisions in an adult fashion). I have just done the first pro-active thing EVER in my career, and possibly my life. I've turned down a job.

Big deal, right? Well, it IS, since I've never done it before. I've always floated along, taking whatever comes my way. I've been lucky in the opportunities that HAVE come my way. But this round of job-hunting is the first prolonged career-related challenge I've ever had. (Other than that one dreadful summer in high school during which both Tim Horton's and Value Village had to let me down gently. Possibly because of my baseball analogies.) It's the first time things haven't come relatively easily, and the first time I've had to think hard about what I want to do long-term, since I'm no longer fresh out of school.

So when, after having been turned down for a couple of positions, I interview with a good company, with nice people and a location that means I can walk to work, and those people really like me, my bruised ego just wants to go where the love is, even though the job is kind of entry-level and involves the parts of my last job that I liked the least. I'm a cautious and insecure person. It's hard for me turn down the sure thing in hopes of getting something I feel more passionate about. Something that allows more hands-on involvement with the material, more creative opportunities. Something that is closer to, or more likely to lead to, a dream job.

But I took a risk. I turned down what could well be the only job I'll get in the next six months. I thought it would be a fast and straightforward phone call, but they tried to change my mind. Once I'd opened the door, though, I had to keep my resolve and back out or I would only look more like a flake. So I did. And now I feel ill. I don't know if I've taken a step toward becoming an adult with a sense of direction, or whether I've made an enormous mistake.